The views expressed in Viewpoint do not represent the views of The Saint but are individual opinions.
Picture the scene: It is a cold, damp, Friday night in a lonely St Andrews. All the tasty hams are tucked up neatly asleep, and the occupants of Rocca Deli begin the night shift, comfortable in the knowledge that surely, in a peaceful little seaside hamlet like this, nobody would be daring, evil, or conniving enough to even think about harming their beloved cured meat, or so they thought.
As they awaken the next morning, the Deli’s owners find out, with terror on their faces, that their prized ham is gone, disappearing from right under their noses while open in the night. Fright fills their heads as they cry blue murder. Filled with dread and absent of hope, they reach out to the only place they know might yield results, Inspector Facebook, in the hopes of gaining a confession from the culprit.
Word spreads about the town of the dastardly crime and its swift resolution as the culprit, unable to handle the heat of the manhunt, caves in and pays their dues. It was a legendary heist indeed, surely one that will go down as one of the most memorable in history. It is but a mystery as to the motives, or identity, of the thief. Who knows, perhaps they may strike again?
But what if I told you of the possibility of there not being a culprit at all? What if there is a possibility that it was all a hoax? Anonymous sources deep within Rocca Deli have affirmed the suggestion to The Saint. If true, I’m sure you will agree that this would be up there with the very grandest of temporal trickeries.
Speaking to The Saint, an anonymous Rocca employee said, “I’m starting to think this whole Rocca ham saga may have been an inside job.” Asked to expand, they continued, “The owners seemed too relaxed when it was stolen, [and] I never saw anyone come in with the money.”
Rocca have the means and the opportunity, but what of the motive? One need only inspect the pages of St Andrews Crushes to find it. Gone are the endless tales of teenage angst and the sexual frustration accompanying exam season, now replaced with a litany of often bitingly tongue-in-cheek memes decrying the horrendous act of thievery. As Master Yoda would say: Gone the Ham is, generated much publicity, it has.
When contacted for a statement, the folks at Rocca were astounded by the suggestion and were quick to deny, “How dare you suggest such a thing! We wouldn’t dream of doing anything at all like that! The reason we can’t produce the CCTV footage: it was lost, of course!”
Interesting that Rocca Deli say it was lost, considering a source from Rocca gave us this picture below. Why would Rocca lie?
(Photo Credit: Rocca Deli)
I suppose we will never really know what actually happened to the Rocca Ham, and whether the rumours uncovered here are true or whether the intrigue is just that: intrigue. Unfortunately, it appears this is one mystery that Poirot would be unable to crack. However, one thing is for certain: amongst the furore and the stress of May exams, you could say St Andrews students have found a way to cure their exam stresses.