Theresa may, Theresa may not: how might the business of Brexit pan out?

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Photo: WikiCommons
Photo: WikiCommons
Photo: WikiCommons

FIRST

Perhaps the best option would be for the Disunited Kingdom to admit to itself that it is not united. Scotland, Northern Ireland and London didn’t vote to leave the European Union, while Wales and the rest of England did. Already (mock) borders have sprung up along the Irish border. Maybe May will come up with a way to stop the UK from breaking up – something that involves telling Europe that actually we love them after all and we don’t want to break up (one can dream!)

SECOND

Okay – I understand that would upset the Welsh and all the others who voted for Brexit – but it is a truth universally known that when a country has a national referendum it is good for its population be informed – and we were not! So maybe May will hold another referendum? Perhaps with a question such as: “Now that we know that Brexit was a really bad idea (as all the experts originally pointed out, Michael Gove) should the (not very) United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union?” Yes, I know it is a leading question – that may or may not be deliberate. I could tell you, but I couldn’t possibly comment.

THIRD

May may get the Queen to prevent Brexit. No. Don’t go and stop reading – you know you want to hear this. The Queen has the power to veto government legislation in times of constitutional crisis so as to do what is in the best interests of her subjects. Brexit is a constitutional crisis which is going to knock 10 per cent off the value of the nation’s GDP. Can anyone explain why that is in our best interests? I don’t think so…

FOURTH

May may even trigger Article 50. She has said that she is going to do it. So now let’s see if she does. Her recent statement has led to the pound falling to its lowest level against the Euro since 2008. This means more expensive summer holidays, as well as a more pricey Race2 Prague. Do we know what is going to happen when May triggers Article 50? No – because it seems likely that she will have to seek a vote in Parliament on the matter, and so May may not, after all, be able to trigger Article 50 by herself – let’s wait and see.

FIFTH

May could decide that calling a general election is a good idea. At present, she doesn’t want to as it is claimed that such an election would be a rerun of the referendum. Personally, I doubt it – I mean, we know Fife likes the Liberals, but are they really going to be able to form a coalition with the SNP to prevent Brexit? I mean miracles may happen but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. So really May shouldn’t worry – there is no issue of a second referendum via an election, all it might do is give May a 125 seat majority in the Commons, and force Corbyn to retire after Labour’s worst defeat since Michael Foot… but then again he may stay and just stomp on. Who knows?

SIXTH

The USA (University of St Andrews) disaffiliates along with Scotland from the United Kingdom – (we disaffiliated from the NUS why not the UK?) and then becomes the 51st state of The United States of America – for “protection reasons.” This way we get out of Brexit and we get to become Americans. What’s not to like? Oh wait – Donald Trump… Maybe May has a better idea? (Yes, I am aware that Europe does not include America: Boris made this very clear in the Referendum campaign when he claimed that leaving the European Union would not mean leaving Europe! You can tell he did Classics: have you seen the maps from back then?)

SEVENTH

Maybe May will actually tell us what “Brexit Means Brexit” actually means. I mean come on, telling me that ice-cream means ice-cream does not tell me anything about ice-cream. Would I want to buy this sort of ice-cream if all I know about it is that it is a sort of ice-cream? I think not. So far, all we know is that the ice-cream is there and that Theresa May is going to obligate us into buying 66 billion pounds worth of it, and then negotiate the flavour behind closed doors while the ice-cream makers refuse to give us any nice ice-cream. Maybe we should agree on the flavour first? I don’t want to be left with an Irn-Bru flavour. (or whatever your least favourite flavoured ice-cream is. It doesn’t matter…because it’s the only one on offer with humble pie.)

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