As part of its policy of inclusion, the University of St Andrews has resolved to consider allowing entry to the University for an often overlooked group within the town, though the decision has met resistance from many. In order to allow this minority to express their side of the argument, The Saint resolved to interview their spokesman Mr Gregory McCaw, who swooped at the chance to represent his activist group: FLAPS (Fuckin’ Let Animals Participate: Seagull Division). What follows below is a transcript of the interview:
The Saint: So Mr McCaw, tell us why you believe that seagulls should now be allowed to study at one of the top universities in the country.
Mr Gregory McCaw: Ah you know, we’ve been trying to get the message across for ages now, but you buggers never listen. Us gulls have been flying around trying to make our message heard but no matter what we do it always seems to go over your heads.
TS: What kind of things have you been doing to try and raise awareness for your cause then?
GM: Well it all started out as pretty innocuous stuff you know? Flying round at like 5am, screaming our lungs out to try and wake you up. But nah, you’re all too deep in your alcohol induced slumbers so we realised we had to step our game up. That’s when we started the food stealing you know? Initially the just a chip here, a Cornetto there but when you wouldn’t listen we started getting bigger. Nicking whole sandwiches, sometimes even a whole meal deal if we ever saw one of you twats posing for a picture with it outside Sainsbury’s. Reggie and 5th Division nearly made off with a baby the other day but the parents nearly took their heads off with a rapidly launched Irn-Bru. At least they survived. Old Cecil wasn’t so lucky when he tried to make off with that girl’s Pumpkin Spiced Latte…
TS: What happened to him?
GM: She tore the poor bastard apart with her bare hands man. It was nuts. I was watching from outside Mitchell’s while trying to nick a golf hat and after she ripped his left wing off she snared him in her cashmere scarf and just started laying into him with her Jo Malone bag. The body still smelt like Cedarwood and Juniper at the funeral. They had to use his beak records to identify the body, it was some heavy shit mate.
TS: Don’t you think that the technique of stealing food and other items from the existing populace is unlikely to win you much favour for your cause?
GM: Nah pal, apart from the odd isolated incident of retaliation normally that technique wasn’t the issue.
TS: What was the issue then?
GM: All the shitting on people man. They hate that. You people really wet your little knickers if we do that. We love picking our target too. The fancier your coat, the more likely you are to get one from above. Us seagulls hate flashy bastards.
TS: Why is that?
GM: Imagine how galling it is to us to see you lot in your Gucci and your Ralph Lauren bought for you by your bloody parents. My parents didn’t buy me shit. I was lucky if at the end of the day they flew back to my nest and threw up some food they’d found in a bin down my gullet. Then there’s the bloody students up here buying pizzas and throwing them up outside the shop they just bloody bought it in. That’s just a waste of good baby food mate. Dumping on people is the perfect crime as well; the better you get at aiming, the further away from them you can be. I hit one from ninety feet the other day, it was great. He thought it was the robin that flew past at the same time until he saw the size of the payload.
TS: Speaking of Robins, do you support other birds to start joining universities in Scotland?
GM: Well I definitely don’t support the bloody Robins.
TS: Why’s that?
GM: Robins are smug little gits man. Think they’re the mutt’s nuts cos they’re on Christmas cards. I fucking hate robins.
TS: Okay… Time to wrap up now, do you have any closing comments at all?
GM: You lot can try and resist this as much as you want, but we refuse to continue being fenced off from higher education. In fact we have a few things planned to really make sure we get noticed.
TS: Are you able to expand at all on what these plans are?
GM: Well let me put it this way mate… GET HIM BOYS!
<Squawking and sounds of a struggle. Then silence.>
This is the end of the recording on the audio recorder we found in the last place we know our reporter Tom Coombes was seen. Normally The Saint attempts to stay neutral on matters such as these, however this time we cannot do so. We urge you to retaliate in any way possible to stop these seagulls from pushing through their agenda. If any of you have seen any clues as to where Mr Coombes was taken to by this flock of gulls, please contact the editor as soon as possible. We thank you for your co-operation.