Monday 12 September 2016 is a day that will go down in history as perhaps the worst thing to happen to the British, or certainly British TV, since The Jeremy Kyle Show hit our screens in 2005. Men and women, young and old, socialist and conservative, we stand united in one thing alone: The Great British Bake Off belongs on the BBC. Alas, contracts have been signed, resignations made, and all we are left with is Paul Hollywood in an overly large, empty tent, on Channel 4. The next big question is, who will join him?
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May
It’s been a year since the demise of the original Top Gear trio, but are British viewers ready to welcome them back? Personally, I’m excited to see The Stig perform anonymous cake tasting sessions (whilst dressed in an all in one apron and helmet for safety, of course). This also gives Jeremy Clarkson the chance to expand his assault targets to Channel 4 producers, as well as BBC ones. Political incorrectness meets flour, eggs, and sugar.
Pros: Loved by the British populace and not afraid to hold back from controversial opinions.
Cons: The trio might not take kindly to the distinct lack of cars in the tent.
Ant & Dec
In between I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here and Britain’s Got Talent, Ant & Dec must surely have time to host another TV talent show. They’re Britain’s favourite comedy duo for a reason, and their public adoration is sure to help keep viewership up.
Pros: With all the bug-eating that takes place on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here, they’re no strangers to dangerous eating challenges.
Cons: Their Geordie accents might sound a bit out of place in the decidedly middle-class tent.
Tess Daly and Bruce Forsyth
It’s been three years since this iconic duo graced our screens every Saturday night, and I can’t be the only one who wants them back. Between them, they cover every base: beautiful, engaging, funny, and an old guy. Nice to bake you, to bake you nice?
Pros: They have a wealth of experience, with Bruce holding the Guinness World Record for ‘The Longest Television Career for a Male Entertainer’; rest assured, we’d be in safe hands.
Cons: There’s a reason Bruce stopped presenting Strictly. At the grand old age of 88, perhaps he’d be better off watching the show from the sofa at home.
After his (inevitably) disastrous stint on Top Gear, Chris Evans is probably looking for another prime-time show to embarrass himself on.
Pros: He is, admittedly, one of the most popular DJs on the radio, and has a massive audience following.
Cons: For some reason, people just really don’t like him.
He’s everyone’s favourite talk-show host, known for being almost as raucous and inappropriate as Mel and Sue themselves. Furthermore, in his role as Eurovision Commentator, he’s had his fair share of exposure to the weird, wacky and occasionally wonderful, meaning nothing will faze him in the tent. He’s a Bafta award-winning presenter, so what better gig than on a Bafta award-winning show?
Pros: He’s plenty of access to celebrities, what with all the famous faces on his sofa. Perhaps he could aid Channel 4’s commercialisation of the show by introducing guest-stars.
Cons: If anything, his comedic style is perhaps slightly too innuendo-heavy for Bake Off’s before-the-watershed time slot.
The country fell in love with her over the course of London 2012, and she was awarded a Bafta for her Olympic and Paralympic coverage. As a presenter already steeped in so much British pride, Bake Off is practically perfect for her.
Pros: She’s the epitome of the upper class, (private school and Cambridge educated, having attended the same school as Miranda Hart), meaning she’ll fit right in in the tent.
Cons: Her style tends to be far too serious and her presence would probably mean the loss of the show’s beloved innuendos.
The Saint’s Overall winner
Having evaluated all of the options, it seems that Graham Norton would be the best choice; he’s the perfect combination of relaxed and funny, and we definitely won’t be lacking on the inappropriate humour front.