Student journalism in St Andrews may not react to the great socio-political issues of the day but must always be prepared for whatever situations arise in our small coastal town. That being said, here are a handful of stock headlines to be run in the event the planets align and cause any one of the following, highly possible circumstances. Always be prepared, kids.
The Empire strikes Balak
To be used in the event that curry house Balaka start a line in 2AM chips and cheese, prompting rival takeaway Empire to firebomb the premises in the start of a full scale turf war over inebriated students and drunk food.
Fife of Pi
Headline to be run in the event that a shipwrecked Indian boy flounders on East sands along with a Bengal tiger and an extensive knowledge of zoo keeping. While the headline ‘Bengal Tiger loose in St Andrews’ may be more appropriate, we here at the Saint believe the literary sensitive student body would appreciate the reference to the only book they know by Yann Martel than a run-the-mill, dime a dozen warning on dangerous wildlife. Additionally, maintaining the university’s sustainability philosophy this headline can be recycled in the event Fisher and Donaldson create a scale model, geographically accurate pie in the shape of the kingdom of Fife.
To be used in the grim event that a university professor is convicted as a cannibalistic serial killer. While seemingly far-fetched St Andrews may be one of the only student towns with easy access to some fava beans and a nice Chianti so the temptation must surely always be there…
Theresa May Dip
In the event that Conservative MP Theresa May has one too many at the Vic and goes skinny dipping in the North Sea. If the cold water doesn’t sober her up, the realisation of the end of her political career surely will.
The DRA Vinci code.
In the event that a bloody murder at David Russell Apartments reveal a network of cryptic, art related clues leading staff and students on an adventure as far afield as Florence, Paris and Inverkeithing. A news story of this magnitude would not only grip the imaginations of students everywhere but surely prompt a bestseller to be sure of stocking charity shops for years to come.
Getting Putin Your Place
After his inevitable fall from Russian politics Vladimir Putin relocates to St Andrews and enrols in the university. This headline to be used in the event that a fresher discovers their place at halls has been given to the former Russian president and now has to choose between Gannochy house, McIntosh Common room or under Swilcan’s Bridge.
Hugh Grant can’t get it in the hole
In the event that celebrity haircut Hugh Grant shoots five over par on the 18th at the upcoming Alfred Dunhill Links tournament causing hilarity at his shocking golf skills. Better luck next time Hugh!