Rap game Michael Gove

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Every April in a remote jungle, tribesmen from across the land journey to partake in an ancient sport. A champion from each tribe is put forward, who must attempt to write the lyrics to Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” in their native tongue on a grain of rice using only a banana. To do this, the warrior must maintain total concentration, overcoming a horde of monkeys howling down his ear-holes, tearing out chunks of his hair and throwing faeces at him from the treetops.

The sport has never migrated from South America. Partly because it has driven hundreds of men insane in frustration, but mostly because I just made it up. Obviously. Fortunately, the rest of the world has developed it’s own variation on the game. We call it “politics”.

Recently the education secretary, Michael Gove rapped on the BBC. He was asked by a schoolchild: “What are some of your favourite raps?” and he answered by laying down three hot bars from Wham Rap! With the public response it provoked, you would be forgiven for thinking he had brought a live gazelle into the classroom and torn it in twain by the antlers, the poor beast’s agonised howls barely drowning out Gove’s bloodthirsty cackling. But that didn’t happen. Instead he just rapped.

Michael Gove endured a tirade of abuse: it was an alligator smile. It had been timed for the election. It demonstrated what a slimey fraud he was. But the poor bloke was just answering a question. What was he supposed to do; slap the kid down, tell her to not be so bloody silly and then bring out the punishment gazelle?

The reaction raised an important question for me: who are you to insult politicians?

For one, Michael Gove is a better person than you. Despite looking like Miss Piggy’s long lost son, he is smarter and harder working than you, and has the balls to take on a position of huge responsibility. On what grounds can you criticise Michael Gove? You, sat on your arse reading this blustery opinion piece in a student newspaper written by some hack, Mancunian, Aldi’s-own knock-off Charlie Brooker. What exactly are you doing to further the cause of humanity?

Second, it’s not like you understand politics. Most of you couldn’t tell me the first thing about how to manage the UK’s economic policy. Despite this, George Osborne is treated with the kind of unadulterated vitriol normally reserved for Nazi war criminals and Justin Bieber. He is booed, harangued and chased at every step he makes. But everyone hates him, so that makes it okay, apparently.

George Osborne is often characterised as a spineless little boy loose at the helm of the British economy. But who really is the spineless child – the Oxford-educated chancellor of the Exchequer with nine years experience in the real and shadow cabinet, or the 80,000 plebs in the Olympic stadium mooing at a man they’ve never met just because everyone else is?

It’s no wonder there’s so much corruption in government. Who would be loyal to the country after the way you treat them? I think incoming prime ministers should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for going four months in office without being driven to turn the nation’s nukes on itself to obliterate the whole damn country and everyone in it. That’s actually the reason Obama won his.

With the contempt in which we hold them you’d think being a politician was an easy, knockabout job that anybody could do if they would only be arsed. But running a country is really complicated. There are elections, the EU, the UN, your own party, your Putins, your North Koreas, et cetera. That’s a rough day’s work, even without a population of 60 million whingers howling criticism down your ear with every move, tearing chunks off you in the press and lob- bing dung at you from their high horses.

Worst of all, however, it’s dull. Politician bashing has been done to death. They are such an easy target for comedy. It’s like making fun of Sarah Palin, or kicking a beggar. There’s no-one to stand up for politicians, so it’s open season for the TV, the newspapers, and the public to howl down their ear-holes, tear out their hair and throw shit at them from atop our high-horses – as if we would do a better job, if only given the chance.

But these people are trained warriors. After our voices run hoarse, our hands set crusty and our spirits are all but shattered, pull out a magnifying glass, and the rice grain will still read “I’m so fancy, you already know”. All this antagonism neither helps us improve our current politics nor unseat those we deem unfit to govern.

We could watch a billion episodes of Mock the Week and all that would change is the panel and the stooge. A million times, we’ll hear the same old joke. A million times we’ll feel a little a bit better. But a million times over, nothing changes. It’s LOLcats for snobs. That’s all. You fell for it.

Put your money where your mouth is and do something to change politics. Have a coup – I’d love a good coup, it would be so fun to watch. Otherwise, please come up with something else to make jokes about. I’m bored.

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