In a democracy, the will of the people rules. But who are ‘the people’? They’re idiots like you, is what they are – smelly, dirty, lazy people. You know your weird uncle who gets drunk at family parties and makes uncomfortable remarks about black people? Well he gets an equal vote to you. Is that the sort of representation you want, where his vote can cancel you out?

Voting is prevalent through our decision-making systems – elections, parliament, which tutorial question to cover next. But all voting does is take the average of everyone’s idiocy. Votes are made up of weird uncles on either side of a debate yelling over the top of each other. It doesn’t produce the right answer, creates unneeded animosity, and worst of all, takes up too much time.

The modern world is no place for humming and hawing over decisions. At ever increasing rates, terrorists are terrorizing, viruses are virusing, and economic crashes are economic crashing. Today is an era that needs fast decisions to ensure our safety. Can you afford to wait for moronic votes to be counted and recounted, when at any moment you could be set upon by Anthrax-ridden, penniless extremists?

You shouldn’t have to worry about voting on recessions, or terrorists, or Scottish Independence. Let someone worry for you. Without those concerns, imagine all the spare tranquil hours you would have to frolic among the dandelions and dance in the meadows – safe in the knowledge that your problems would be dealt with by someone smarter than you, and that you would be told exactly what to do. You need a leader to bear your burden – someone of mountainous ego to protect you from the scary world. You need a dictator.

I would like to be that dictator.

“But what can we do, James?” you ask. The world runs on democracy.

But why should we maintain an outmoded system? For centuries, flour was ground by a miserable donkey circling a millstone, taking ages, eating you out of house and home in carrots, and crapping everywhere. When someone invented a robot to ground wheat instead, we didn’t say, “Nah, we’ll stick with the donkey, for old times’ sake.” It was a no-brainer to move forward, saving time and money. I don’t think the donkey minded, either. Times change.

Scared about terrorists? Don’t worry. I won’t need to run through tedious police procedure or waste hours putting my ideas to a guffawing parliament vote made up of idiots voted into power by idiots. I could laser focus on routing through potential terrorists and have them eliminated with ostrich speed before they get the chance to kill. There may be the odd mistake, a kill too many here or there, but it’s better to have a couple dozen deaths of people who might be terrorists anyway than risk thousands of innocent deaths every single day like we do now. Don’t think of it as murder, just over-enthusiasm for your safety.

Workers today are also stressed about the career ladder. You screw each other over to reach arbitrary goals, making each other miserable and spending more time emailing out graduate CVs than frolicking among the dandelions. In my regime, you would not have to worry about jobs. At sixteen, proles would be assigned a lifelong career based on their childhood aptitude tests. So long, job interview stress!

And that’s not all the benefits to dictatorship! Unlike today’s politicians, I would not have to compromise my vision to improve popularity. All decisions would be made solely for the glory of the regime, not to curry favour with voters. I could decide what’s good for you and act on it immediately, no matter how much you may dislike it at the time.

For example, I bet you hated going to school and reciting your times-tables, but where would you be now if you couldn’t times three by four? In our current system, pupils can impeach the teacher halfway through the sevens in favour of being taught by a unicycling otter in parachute pants who offers them unlimited play-time and free bottles of fruit-shoot.

Dictatorship ensures the country learns its multiplication. Dictators are not necessarily bad, they just have a bad reputation. I don’t lust for absolute power. I offer you a good dictator who respects his position. I offer you protection, no more tiresome voting, and a life of calm, simplistic serfdom. I also have a unicycling otter, if that will swing the deal.

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