Apparently no-one who leaves university ever gets a job. That’s why the streets are littered with thousands of twenty-something graduates starving on street corners and picking at McFlurry containers. Luckily, that’s how I like to spend my weekends anyway.
None of you are good enough to be employed, I mean look at you – just because you are a St Andrews student and therefore extremely clever isn’t enough. Have you organised your summer internship yet? Why aren’t you on the committee for the chicken crippling society? Top grades aren’t enough, you should be moonlighting at the local abattoir, too. You don’t have enough experience to get a job. 104% of graduates are unemployed and literally all of them are now dead. Want to join them, hmm?
Don’t worry. JP Morgan, Barclays and any number of corporations are willing to take advantage of you to save you from doom. All they ask for in return is that you to spend your summer being underpaid and overworked, doing ten hours a day of the sort of menial labour normally the domain of livestock. It’s for your own good.
Don’t even think about spending this evening watching repeats of Scrubs, or Vine compilations, or sitting down. You’ve got an event at the debating society at six, then you need to run across town for the Wardennial meeting at eight before your night shift at the hotel starts. Employers are really keen to see that extracurricular involvement. They’re not going to hire any old pleb with a first class honours from St Andrews, not unless they were also dragging drunken freshers about a hall of residence in their spare time.
You know, I think we might be being taken advantage of.
The employment statistics for graduates across the country state that nine out of ten are employed six months after graduation (though the headlines opt for “one in 10 new graduates unemployed”). Bear in mind, that figure takes into account graduates from every UK university, including places like Manchester Metropolitan which, compared to St Andrews, is a sort of gussied up dogs’ kennel with books in – some of which have not had the corners chewed off. The national unemployment figure for everyone in the UK is 7.7%. Having 9% graduate unemployment doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. I’m happy to self-indulgently study and have fun; the future will take care of itself. If you are so concerned about building up ‘real world’ work experience, then your first mistake was coming to university.
Don’t do an internship, create your own experience. Want to be a video game designer? Design a video game. If your dream is to be a journalist, don’t waste your summer filing papers for some hack scumbag, spend balmy July evenings rummaging through the bins of local celebrities; be the hack scumbag. If I was an employer, I’d be much more keen on hiring the kid who’d figured out their own crazy scheme than the one with no original idea, who was dumb enough to waste a summer in our internship programme microwaving my Uncle Ben’s rice every lunchtime for three months.
When you were studying your GCSEs (or your Standard Grades, on the off chance you are actually Scottish) you were told to work hard so you could get to your A Levels (or Highers). You then had to work really hard on your A Levels to get a place at a good university, just a little further. Now at your good university, you have to work eighty hour weeks across academics and CV stuffing, giving up entire summers to bag yourself that dream job and be happy, right?
You love your graduate job: it’s finally time to relax and enjoy life! But, if you put in 100 hours a week, you could get that promotion. Sure, you’ll be a little fatigued and stressed, but you’ll be a step closer. Got promoted? Put in a bit more work, maybe you’ll get CEO.
You are racing down a road that leads to being a grey haired, angry, middle-aged, career-driven scumbag with no friends, no hobbies and no achievement beyond a job title. What’s the rush? Slow down, enjoy the view.
The views in this article do not reflect the views of The Saint.