Olly Lennard spins a dark web of comedy nonsense around your favourite cartoon characters.
Ariel, the youngest daughter of King Triton, lived in the magical underwater kingdom of Atlantica, which was next door to but legally distinct from the copyright-protected kingdom of Atlantis. As well as a wonderful singing voice, Ariel also possessed the power to convert electricity into radio waves. Her distinctive red hair and six sisters have led some historians to believe that she may have been a distant ancestor of Ron Weasley. Just before her 16th birthday Ariel ventured to the surface with her friend Sebastian the crab where she instantly fell in love with a handsome prince, Prince William. Resolving to become human and win Prince William’s heart, she traded her voice to Ursula, Witch of the Sea, and in return was given the legs and voice of Danny DeVito. Ursula had previously been banished from Atlantica for asking King Triton why there were no black mer-people. After the magical deed was done Ariel went forth onto the land, and Ursula went forth to the Trading Standards Agency once she realised that a singing voice was utterly useless underwater.
Ariel sought out Prince William having washed up on Castle Sands. Ursula tried to stop her but was ultimately foiled by Prince William and Johnny Depp using an armada of ships carved from Orlando Bloom’s wooden acting.
In 2012 the French paparazzi published pictures of Ariel in her seashell bra, and as William’s wife she was never again allowed to see her family or speak in public. Meanwhile King Triton’s kingdom was in turmoil after it was revealed that Atlantica burgers were 60% seahorse. Ariel’s six sisters (Attina, Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Anthony Hopkins and Adele) were all killed in the BP oil spill. Shortly afterwards UN weapons inspectors deemed Triton’s trident a WMD (Weapon of Mass Drenching) and invaded Atlantica by sellotaping rifles to turtles. Triton made a rousing speech promising to “fight them on the beaches”, but was captured and turned into sushi. The documentary Jaws is based on his life. Ursula left the sea, lost a lot of weight and is now Eddie Izzard.
Olly Lennard is a second year comedian and actor. You can follow him on Twitter, @OllyLennard.
Illustration: Ruairidh Bowen