The St Andrews Library has issued an ultimatum to the student body regarding the ‘coffee stains’ that have been surfacing around the facilities. Either clean up your act, they say, or there will be no coffee in the library next year.
What hasn’t been told to the student body, in their clandestine removal of our basic rights as students, is that they will not stop at coffee. They have noticed a surprising amount of marks from pens on desks and carrels. If this carelessness by the student body isn’t reined in, the library officials say they will have no choice but to not allow pens in the library. (Pencils will be permitted, sources say).
Moreover, the amount of dirt and mud dragged in by people’s shoes has been appalling as of late. The spring showers have soddied the carpets of the library to a degree where cleaners have actually had to vacuum the premises every day. There is talk of moving the two (to three) individuals located at the entrance of the library (who open automated gates) to work around the clock to pick up this dirt. If the situation is not remedied the library staff has said that it will have no choice but to not allow footwear in the building. (Not even sandals, sources say).
The ‘QUIET’ sign in the stairwells has also been found to have done little in way of establishing just that. Therefore, the library staff is soon to employ security guards to specifically patrol the stairwells to ensure silence. The guards, we have heard, will be a given a ‘three strike’ mandate – where if any individual gathers three separate instances of noisy behaviour they will be taken to Butts Wynd, neutered and then shipped out to DRA.
This said, the library will be open for 24 hours for the exam diet. Progress, it seems, is being made.