Cafe 1984


The St Andrews Library has issued an ultimatum to the student body regarding the ‘coffee stains’ that have been surfacing around the facilities. Either clean up your act, they say, or there will be no coffee in the library next year.

What hasn’t been told to the student body, in their clandestine removal of our basic rights as students, is that they will not stop at coffee. They have noticed a surprising amount of marks from pens on desks and carrels. If this carelessness by the student body isn’t reined in, the library officials say they will have no choice but to not allow pens in the library. (Pencils will be permitted, sources say).

Moreover, the amount of dirt and mud dragged in by people’s shoes has been appalling as of late. The spring showers have soddied the carpets of the library to a degree where cleaners have actually had to vacuum the premises every day. There is talk of moving the two (to three) individuals located at the entrance of the library (who open automated gates) to work around the clock to pick up this dirt. If the situation is not remedied the library staff has said that it will have no choice but to not allow footwear in the building. (Not even sandals, sources say).

The ‘QUIET’ sign in the stairwells has also been found to have done little in way of establishing just that. Therefore, the library staff is soon to employ security guards to specifically patrol the stairwells to ensure silence. The guards, we have heard, will be a given a ‘three strike’ mandate – where if any individual gathers three separate instances of noisy behaviour they will be taken to Butts Wynd, neutered and then shipped out to DRA.

This said, the library will be open for 24 hours for the exam diet. Progress, it seems, is being made.


  1. What I want to know is how long did it take to make the coffee exhibit things downstairs, in all their OTT caution-tape-extravagance?

    And would that time not have been better spent, I don’t know, scrubbing coffee stains?

    • Em, you’re right. If the Library wants to promote that ‘they listen’ to what ‘we ‘say’ – let them hear this: COFFEE CANNOT BE CONTAINED. WE WILL FIND WAYS AROUND THEIR SYSTEM. END THIS TYRANNY!

  2. Mediocre critique. As much as it may pain some of us to hear this, the library is not a social club nor does it run without maintenance. Having to be policed may be a pain in the back side but it says more about the students of this institution than it does about its management.

    People could be a bit more open minded and look beyond the current “restrictions” and realise that the library is a study space that has to serve many generations yet to come. These provisions are not designed to annoy students, it’s not as though the university has nothing else better to do.

    • A typical argument policymakers offer when justifying tyranny. ‘The citizens must be watched so closely through CCTV because of their actions, not because of the management!’ The critique is valid. And anyway, why must the message be so passive-aggressive? Coffee Stain Investigation? What am I, 10?

  3. 1984? Seriously? Being reminded to clean up after yourselves isn’t exactly a dystopian nightmare, even jokingly. It’s embarrassing enough that you need to be reminded, without making fools of yourselves further by whining about it. Grow up (and learn to shut the hell up in the library stairwells while you’re at it).

  4. Screw the haters. I liked this article. Coffee spills are always an accident. Who wants to spill coffee? And even if you do try and clean it up, it’s still going to stain. The sarcasm was pretty funny. Good job sir

  5. While I appreciate this is supposed to be a humorous piece, might I suggest you read another Saint article, which includes the following: “Bombs fly in the Middle East, the US faces a fiscal cliff, rebels have taken over Sudan and St Andrews students complain about not having a reading week.”

    Wait a second, didn’t YOU write that Nick?


    Yes you did.


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