Well, it’s that time of year again. If you are reading this, it means that to get your free copy of The Saint you have most likely just fought your way through a crowd of banner-brandishing, flyer-wielding electioneers trying to convince you to vote for Joe Bloggs for DoRep, or Mr. T for DoSDA, or someone else you’ve never heard of for some other position you don’t understand. For one week only, the town appears to be bursting with people who care deeply about the societies budget, or funding for amateur films, or the restructuring of subcommittees – whatever the hell that means. You’ll have trouble getting into the library for a few days without people putting stickers on you or making you feel guilty for not being a member of the gym. It’s quite intoxicating.

My living room is currently at the mercy of one of the sabbatical candidates’ campaign team, who swan in and out at all hours of the day and night discussing wristbands and promotional videos and the fact that their bloodsucking campaign manager is going to Center Parcs for four days over the opening weekend. It doesn’t bother me, of course – it’s not like I’m trying to get any work done – but is all this stress and bother really worth it, for what student democracy achieves?

Firstly it’s worth noting that most of the big sabbatical positions we elect are just managerial roles anyway – their decision-making power in real terms is pretty limited. Most of the positions were added at some point to try and prove that we do things democratically, and most of them are either ill-defined or completely superfluous. If there are any positions that require too high a level of competence they just interview for it instead to make sure they don’t get some idiot in charge. After all, with just one week of Facebook groups and posters everywhere to decide who’s a viable candidate, most people end up just ticking the name that sounds coolest or the picture of the one they’d most like to sleep with.

I say all of this as if I have any idea what I’m talking about. I really have even less of an idea than most people in regards to the whole ordeal. And that’s why I’m not going to talk about student elections in this week’s article.

So, trains. Has anyone got the ScotRail between Edinburgh and Leuchars recently? Next question: did you manage to sit down, or was it so full you had to stand in the aisles for an hour and a half getting angry looks from all the train staff and getting groped by Japanese businessmen?

Because it seems like these days about one in three of my journeys on that line are the latter.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a logistical nightmare to organise dozens of trains each day when everyone has a ticket that allows them to get on whichever train they want. Still, on the first day of the Edinburgh Festival, when there’s also an international rugby match on at Murrayfield, you’d think they might throw an extra carriage on.

But I’m no train conductor; I hardly know anything about the railway industry. I tried playing Train Simulator 2012 once and I have to say I lost my patience pretty quickly. So I’m not going to talk about trains in this week’s article either.

So, uh… books? I don’t really read books. Video games? Yeah, video games. Has anyone noticed that pretty much all major titles are just unimaginative tripe these days? If I see one more “badass” muscle-clad marine with another dick-replacement rifle and range of sickening one-liners, I’m going to end up writing another letter to my MP. The console market is an oligarchic mess of restricted anti- consumer bullshit, and even the PC market is still riddled with Digital Rights Management (DRM).

The move towards cloud gaming and the way it’s being lapped up by the press is hideous, as we move towards the ultimate DRM of not even receiving game files any more, and anyone who argues against it is decried as a Luddite.

Okay, this is just making me more angry. What else is there?

Turns out there’s horse meat in a lot of what we eat. As a vegetarian, I struggle to see the distinction, but I’d say that if you’re buying your meat from a furniture store you’ve probably got more issues than the purity of your beef. But that’s really all there is to say on the matter.

By the way, did you know that at time of writing, Easter eggs are currently four for £4 in Tesco? I’ve been stocking the hell up, and there’s going to be a brilliant egg-hunt in my house come Easter time. Go and get them while the offer lasts. But no, what I really want to talk to you about in this week’s article is hot cross buns. Did you know that in some parts of America, you can get hot cross buns with CUSTARD in them? I know, crazy, right? I’d be tempted though. I love hot cross buns.

Right, that’s my word limit. I hope you enjoyed my article about hot cross buns. See you all next week!

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