Where are they now?
Olly Lennard crosses the t’s, dots the i’s and punches the semicolons of the unfinished tales.
This week: Bilbo Baggins
In the year 2941 of the Third Age Bilbo Baggins became an accessory in one of the most heinous environmental crimes ever committed in Middle Earth when he aided in the slaying of Smaug the Magnificent, the last living dragon. Smaug was supposed to be the subject of a David Attenborough documentary on Middle Earth wildlife; Attenborough later commented that Smaug’s death was “a massive fucking waste”. Bilbo returned from his adventures with a modest chest of gold and the One Ring of power, but despite being guilty of breaking and entering, crimes against the environment, troll assault and possession of stolen property he was never brought to justice because of the Shire’s strict extradition laws. For sixty years he remained beyond the reach of the authorities in Hobbiton where he set up a very successful dragonscale leather business. Rumours of dealings in illegal drugs also surrounded him: he was often overheard extolling the virtues of “pipe weed” and the serious bouts of hunger that followed his habitual smoking of the drug led him to partake in many second breakfasts.
Bilbo continued to be covertly monitored by the NSA (Numenorean Security Agency). He published his memoirs, “There and Back Again – a Playa’s Tale” in which he all but confessed his litany of criminal activities. Gollum attempted to sue Bilbo for libel and defamation of character but failed. A campaign to bring Bilbo to justice called “Bilbo2012” was begun by the family members of the dead trolls.
Not content with escaping justice once, it soon emerged that Bilbo was grooming his nephew for a life of crime. Frodo Baggins and his compatriots went on to commit larceny, burglary and destruction of private property in the fires of Mount Doom and aided in a coup that displaced Denethor, Steward of Gondor, for a totally unqualified and scruffy-looking Viggo Mortensen, ruining any chance that Gondor had of becoming a functioning democracy. Frodo was also guilty of the attempted regicide of the Witch-King of Angmar and assault with intent to kill on an elderly orc. In a tearful statement outside a Mordor courtroom the orc later commented “Waarraragghjaghgbbjaargh!”
Finally, in the first year of the Fourth Age, the Obama administration ordered a raid on the Shire by SEAL team six. Eight highly trained marine mammals were parachuted into Hobbiton. They found a morbidly obese Bilbo in a fog of pipe weed and gunned him down. One of the SEALs later said of the incident: “Arf arf arf!” Despite numerous warrants for his arrest Frodo Baggins is still at large.
Mordor is still uninhabitable and thousands of orc refugees still face racism and persecution at the hands of the Gondorian government. The NRA – National Ring Association – still maintains that it is the right of every American to own a Ring of Power.
Olly Lennard is a second year comedian and actor. You can follow him on Twitter, @OllyLennard.
Illustration: Ruairidh Bowen