The Saint’s 2012 Alternative Football Awards


On the eve of the Ballon D’Or announcement, I felt there was a plethora of other awards that needed giving out for performances in 2o12.

Scottish Premier League - Hamilton Academical vs Dundee United
David Goodwillie (Titter. Ed)

Best name

Cricket has Ryan Sidebottom, basketball has Metta World Peace and baseball has Coco Crisp. Football has thrown up some real gems too, my personal favourite has to be Muzzy Izzet (just because 4 zs deserves some form of recognition) but it has to be the Scottish gem that is David Goodwillie. His name is Goodwillie for Pete’s sake.


Best player

People will argue for the Messis and Ronaldos of this world, however for me there is only one winner. Gervinho. How a man with such little control of his legs and such a big forehead can continue to play in the Premier League and earn tens of thousands of pounds is beyond me. Fair play to lad.

Titus Bramble, after release from police custody.

Worst player (Ballon de Merde)

I know it’s a cliché, but Titus Bramble was and forever will be the worst defender I have ever seen play football. As long as he is alive he will continue to win this award. 2nd place: Gervinho.

Worst job

The 4th official. By far and away the worst job to have. All we ever see is them getting shouted at by managers for a decision that they didn’t even make. It sort of reminds me of the time someone shouted at me at work because it was raining. Unfair? Yes. Sense? None what so ever.

“You got me on Dancing on Ice? Nice one.”

Biggest media whore

In the space of a week, I could’ve sworn I saw Rio Ferdinand about a thousand times. First he was on The X Factor, then later in the week he popped up on The Young Apprentice. And then to top it all off he was on Match of the Day. Okay, the MotD one is acceptable but 3 times in a week is 3 times too many for my liking. (It made me buy his book though. Ed.)

Best signing

Some years there are transfers that astound me (I still want to know how Julien Faubert’s agent managed to get him a loan move to Real Madrid) but this year PSG took all the headlines. Ibrahimovic was the best signing in 2012, not because (at time of writing) he has scored 20 goals, but mainly due to the fact his transfer means nobody can beat me when I’m PSG on Fifa13.

Most disgusting moment

Liam Ridgewell came in a close second when he posted a picture of him wiping his backside with £20 notes but this award goes to all teams that got promoted /won a trophy / had any other reason to celebrate. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I saw champagne get chucked around the place so nonchalantly.

Best tweeter

It is rare for me to give out praise; it is even more rare for me to give out praise to Piers Morgan. Maybe I am still a tad bitter about Michael Owen leaving my beloved Liverpool but for Piers Morgan (a man who clearly has no footballing ability) to constantly call ex-Ballon D’or winner Owen a bench-warming diver shows Piers has got some ‘cojones’.

Smartest player

Mario Balotelli is the smartest player in the world: not in terms of footballing brains, as I think that’d have to go to Iniesta or anything else that has recently come out of La Masia. I have recently had a great epiphany: Mario Balotelli is not as great as we all think he is, but he is a PR genius. His ridiculous antics off the pitch mean we all begin to forget how badly he has been playing on it. He has scored 1 league goal this year, which mean Jos Hooiveld has scored more own goals than Balotelli has normal goals. Well done Jos.

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