Where are they now?

0

Olly Lennard creatively spits on your childhood.

This week: Speedy Gonzales

Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in Mexico, was born in 1953 as a distant cousin to more successful murine celebrity Mickey Mouse and eventual great uncle to Stuart Little. He came from humble beginnings, born the youngest of a litter of ten living under a Chipotle restaurant in Durango and growing up speaking Latin, the official language of Latin America. Through an eventual business partnership with Sylvester the Cat and the Walt Disney Corporation, Speedy became one of the most famous cartoon stars of his age. Walt Disney himself took an immediate shine to Speedy, mainly because he wasn’t Jewish.

But trouble brewed behind Speedy’s life of parties, glamour and cheese. As time passed Sylvester and Speedy were eclipsed by rising cat and mouse duo Tom and Jerry. In addition, due to his trademark sombrero and accent Speedy came to be viewed as an offensive Mexican stereotype, which led to him being dropped as Sylvester’s partner in favour of Tweety the canary. His relationship with Minnie Mouse ended when he left Disney, and tabloids later mockingly exposed that the title “fastest mouse in Mexico” was in fact a reference to Speedy’s premature ejaculation. Undaunted, he returned to his first talent, running extremely fast, and tried his hand at Olympic sprinting only to be disqualified from the 1976 Montreal Games after testing positive for stilton.

Little did Speedy know worse was to come: in June of 1979 he was deported in ignominy back to his home country having been exposed as an illegal immigrant by Basil the Great Mouse Detective. Here began a darker chapter in Speedy’s life. National exports of tacos and novelty sombreros were at an all-time low as Mexico’s stereotype-dependent industries moved abroad. Mexicans faced an economic crisis, felt all the more painfully by mice because of the greed of corporate fat cats. Speedy tried to return the justice and fairness to the people that had been denied them by reigning military dictators Pinky and The Brain, and in doing so sparked off the bloodiest Mexican revolution in the country’s history. Having been established as the revolution’s leader Speedy formed a militia and started a campaign of nationwide destruction, political intimidation and cheese robbery. During the years of conflict that followed he orchestrated the murders of Bagpuss and Garfield, as well as Alvin and the Chipmunks, prompting much international celebration. When Pinky and the Brain were eventually overthrown in 1985 after a protracted struggle, Speedy became ‘Admiral Field Marshall President-for-life Gonzales’. Official records were tampered with, and stated that Speedy had descended bodily to Earth on a chariot made of Brie in order to liberate the oppressed mice of Mexico, and that he was prophesised to usher in a golden age of prosperity by reopening the Gorgonzola mines. Although Speedy did reopen the mines as promised, the forecast economic growth was slow to arrive because of a national cracker shortage.

Speedy died in 1999: official state media reported that he was killed by a heart attack, though some believe that he was secretly assassinated by the CIA working in conjunction with Hong Kong Phooey. His term as Mexico’s leader was characterised by controversy: though he was responsible for much bloodshed and terror he was also an inspirational figure who brought stability to the region. Often remembered for his first passion, running very fast, he has been listed as an athletic inspiration by the likes of Usain Bolt, Yohan Blake and Sonic the Hedgehog.

Olly Lennard is a second year comedian and actor. You can follow him on Twitter, @OllyLennard.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.