Library Gates from Hell


I love to hate our grotesque library. It’s one of those buildings that proves that people must have been on drugs during the 1960s. The grey, neobrutalist design could only have been commissioned by a person with the imagination of a delinquent, and the choice of carpet by The Brady Bunch.

Even after the refurbishment, which makes one feel like they’re in a fluorescent wonderland, I feel unappeased. The lime green chairs spotted throughout, the fifteen computers which are perpetually occupied, and the ever dismaying lack of food in Café 1413. I’m glad to see our money has been wisely invested.

And just when you thought ineptitude poured into one building could not be any greater, the University brought in the entrance gates. An automated system that requires two University library staff to man the area. I thought that this was bad enough, but stupidity seemed to climb to a new rung when I tried to leave the place and realized I needed a card to exit. My favourite expression I have heard someone say when discovering the system was “this library is harder to get in and out of than my ex-girlfriend.”

Anyone that’s spent an extended time in the library knows that unloading your bowels is not easy. If I had a penny for the amount of times I walked into the toilets, turned my head to the left and sighed in dismay as I saw the door firmly shut, I’d be rich.

Thanks to investigative journalism, I have now pieced together who is perpetually impeding my craps. Locals. This must be the reason why the university has placed entry gates for a town that is overwhelmingly students. Follow me down the rabbit hole.

While the University told us that the notorious ‘Masturbation notice’ was a hoax, I am now not so sure. I believe the University has instigated this portal system to stop the pesky peasants from coming in and whacking off and blocking up the 3 toilets. They must come en masse into our library, go into our toilets and masturbate to their hearts content.

This would explain why such an inane system was required for a town that is almost wholly comprised of students. It’s like a retirement community having a card check at the lunch hall.

There are library posters that claim they ‘value comments, suggestions, and feedback from all library users’. Well here’s some feedback for you- the newest system which you have implemented is a waste of our time and our money. It’s bad enough that money is now going towards Kate Kennedy’s Fellowship for extravagant events that I may not attend. But at least I’ll have a good time at the May Ball. No one has or will look fondly upon the funding of these gates. They are nonsensical, imbecilic, and a reflection of how out of touch our library is with student needs. Swallow your pride and realize that these shiny blocks of technology have done nothing but make our already pitiful library contemptible. If you want feedback, this is it. Get rid of them.

We students realize that you have brought about this system so that you can monitor our usage of the library. This, you hope, will lead to you creating a more efficient and better suited library. Thanks, but no thanks. You have ironically made the library the most inefficient it has ever been.

The other day at 2pm I waited five minutes to enter the library because a line had developed which went outside the doors. Looking at people in the line, all I got were rolling eyes, sighs and expletives.

I propose someone begins a petition to end this. For all we know, if our voices aren’t heard then the University may very well implement a similar structure for the newly planned Union. God knows how many late night disasters that would account for. I say screw this and bring back the masturbating locals.



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