A Humble Suggestion
For preventing the proletarian students of St. Andrews from being a burden on their peers or the university, and for making them beneficial to the public
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through our ancient town, when they see the streets, roads and library carrels crowded with students of the plebeian classes, huddled over out-dated Windows laptops, masticating on Greggs pasties and wearing Topman polo-shirts.
We think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of working class students, is in the present state of our island, beset as we are by economic woe, a very great additional grievance; and therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these students sound, useful members of the university would deserve so well as to certainly receive a Principle’s medal for endeavour. And indeed, should furthermore be granted the freedom to form any such exclusive Principal advisory group as they saw fit without the meddling communist lackies of the Union sticking their unwelcome trot noses in.
As to our own part, having turned out thoughts for many years to the subject of the unwelcome increase of proletarian students amongst our ranks, and having measured the attentions of the university in the matter, we have always found them erring in their computation. The expansion of our own facilities is certainly impossibility, beset as we are by a present economic woe. The logical thinker is thus left to the only remaining option: the diminution our present population. Where present designs have been to stretch the glove to fit the hand, the right thinking gentleman must counter: in these strained times it is instead the hand that must be trimmed to fit the glove.
I am informed by a well knowing Etonian of my acquaintance that a first year student of minimal breeding, if properly prepared, offers a filling and satisfying meal. Framed within our present situation supreme logic of employing the proletarian element of our student body as such is beyond doubt. Indeed, beside relief of the inhumane overcrowding of our libraries and lecture theatres, such action would furthermore ease the current demand for low cost accommodation and provide a reasonable source of sustenance for our student body, while offering a local food supply with a minimal carbon footprint, protected from the vagaries of the international market. Oh glorious isolation!
Furthermore, should there be any excess of flesh, I am assured by an American of our membership, that this will fetch a handsome price on the marketplace. It is little secret that our 600th anniversary fundraising attempts have fallen on lean times. Our Principal, despite her radical feminist leanings, is admirably concerned above all other things with matters of a pecuniary nature. It is inevitable that once meditated upon, the fortitude of this scheme will be evident to her; making as it does a virtue of an economic necessity, in the ancient alchemical style transmuting that which is unclean into gold.
We, @Katekennedyclub, profess in the sincerity of our heart, that we have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, beyond the necessary sustenance and promotion of our own ancient academe. We have no proletarian members by which we hope to levy a single penny, the least amongst us at least having attended Charterhouse.
Bejants, Semi-Bejants, Tertians and Magistrands! That the computations of our scheme are beyond doubt is apparent; we as gentlemen call on each and every one of you to lend your support to our very, humble suggestion.
Your servants always,
The honourable gents of @KateKennedyClub