He Loves Me Not


I asked my boyfriend of seven months what he wanted to do on Valentine’s Day. I was told “I don’t want to do anything big. I want to keep it simple, something tailored for me.” With only this bare description to work with, I thought “Lesbian porn, pizza and beer should work.” I turned up at his house dressed only in lingerie and a trench-coat. The only response he had was that “the pizza was cold”. Three days later, he dumped me.


With Valentine’s Day coming up, I had a choice: visit my boyfriend in Brighton or remain Up North and spend the day with my best friend and my best friend’s boyfriend. Having not dated the guy for very long, I decided to call in sick, and save myself the trip. Turns out I had left him standing at a train station in Brighton, alone with twelve dozen roses.
‘Charlotte Bronte’

Last Valentine’s Day, I decided to do something special for my girlfriend. I consider myself something of a music man, so I thought I’d learn to play the guitar for her. When the Fourteenth came around, I performed an altered version of “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s, a rose in mouth and with nothing but the guitar to cover myself. Since she studies in Exeter, I transmitted my performance over Skype. In return, my then-girlfriend of five years gave me a Moonpig card.
Sebastian Carrington-Howell

For this guy, there has never been a “good” Valentine’s Day. Still, he recalls a one time when his parents went to dinner, leaving him alone in the house, seemingly to spite him. He decided that if he was going to be alone on V-Day, he was going to treat himself well. Like a good date, he served a home-cooked Indian supper for three, accompanied by a little over two bottles of wine. Digesting on the couch, he stumbled across a movie starring Billie Piper (Things to Do Before You’re 30). He fell asleep to a scene of her in a threesome, content.
Professor X’, the lonely heart