Most revision guides feed you the same old claptrap- study in a quiet space, make prompt cards, take up an obscure form of yoga that will give you a superhuman ability to focus at all times. The worst bit of all is when they snootily say something along the lines of ‘but of course, we all know the best revision is to do all your work throughout the term’. Pass the sickbag. Statements like that manage to be cloying as well as metaphorically kicking you in the face. That is the only remotely profound thing about them. If you are resorting to a revision guide, it is because you are up a certain creek without a paddle. Here’s how to make the most of the bad situation you’ve found yourself in:

1. Get an anthem

There is a likelihood that you are going to go a bit mad, so you’re going to need a song that has a good rhythm to rock back and forth to at 3am. The more mindless the song, the better. All your mental energy is being sapped by reading, so your ears are just going to crave those hideous songs you pretend not to like at the Bop before the 5 Pint mark. Note: Stay away from The Doors, lest you want to recreate Martin Sheen’s infamous hotel room scenes from Apocalypse Now.

2. Become a library ninja

Okay, so some sociopathic sadist has kept that one copy of the only vital book for your module for a month. You can take an equally sad desire in recalling that baby (laughing maniacally at your computer screen optional), or keep SAULCAT constantly open, waiting for the book to return. Either way, once it has, you must pounce. Run to the library, suddenly experimenting with Parkour is not recommended, no matter how desperate the situation. You can only hope those people who hide books in the library are too busy trying to secure the floorboard over their stash to notice.

3. Cry

You’re going to at some point, just accept it now. Though sobbing should be kept to a minimum, book the Skype conversation with your Mum to calm you down, if need be. Put on your favourite TV show and get the childhood toy out and give it a hug.

4. Realise there is someone worse than you

You know that friend who will only consider revision about three days before the exam? The one that thinks MMS is a virus you’re inoculated against in school (this may explain their avoidance of it)? You’re not them. Rejoice. Unless you screw up in a way worthy of epic poetry, you will do better than them.

5. Dramatic Facebook Statuses

No one wants to read anyone else’s, but it is hard to deny their cathartic quality. If you are going to suffer, so are all of your friends. It is better than those apps that block websites- we all know that you are going to procrastinate by trying to get around them instead.

If you take one thing away from this, it is give in, but don’t give up.

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