The Fourth Estate

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There are some things in this world I wish existed, but don’t. Some of these are simply impossible – android mistresses, singing vegetables, more Oscar Wilde plays. However, much of what I desire is perfectly plausible, and, in my opinion, not unreasonable to expect. Here are some ideas I believe humanity has the technology and prowess to produce, but hasn’t.

1) Electric Slippers

As anyone who has slept with me will know, I have an electric blanket, and it’s likely the most treasured possession I own. Why hasn’t the technology for the electric blanket been converted into the shape of a slipper? Imagine how toasty your toes would be. Did I just blow your mind? Probably. One problem I can already foresee with electric slippers is the need for a cord to an outlet. To confront this challenge, I pose the following question: electric eels never have to be plugged in; can we not harness their powers? Sub-question: are electric eels always warm? Almost definitely.

2) Pretzel and Peanut Butter and Hazelnut and Coffee m&m’s

I know what you’re thinking already. “How much can you possibly fit inside one m&m?” You’d be surprised. 4 ingredients is the absolute maximum that can fit inside a standard m&m. I did no math or research to come up with that number, but I still feel pretty good about it. And after lengthy armchair philosophical consideration, I’ve narrowed down the 4 best ingredients possible. I dare you to disagree with me.

3) An ebook Reader With Actual Pages

Think about it. A full book. But electric. Powered by eels. People often talk about the quality of a “reading experience.” No one really knows what it means, but they keep talking about it  on amazon.com. This product would have the reading experience equivalent to an orgasm.

4) Food Printers

I know these already exist, to some extent. But I want them mass produced and available to everyone at an affordable price. There are billions of possibilities for the application of this product. You could print out your essay in strawberry flavored ink on a vanilla flavored page. When your tutor hates it, he or she can simply eat it and both of you can forget it happened, and live happily ever after in a world without capitalism, unhappiness, or essays. But there will be eels in this ideal world. Lots of them. Because electric eels are the perfect power source for a food printer.

5) Voice-Recognition-Equipped-Mini-Submarines

If there’s anything I hold faith in, it’s the right of every human to own a mini submarine. The difficulty is training people to be able to work a submarine safely. The solution: voice recognition. If you can speak, you can pilot a submarine. And then we can all catch as many electric eels as we need to power our perfect civilization.

6) A Universal Monetary Value / Currency

Britain can keep the pound, the US can keep the dollar, etc. But there should be one currency that can always be shared between every nation. I recommend jelly beans. Everyone values them anyway, and they’re cheap to produce. I see a future of jelly bean banks, run by electric eels.

It’s possible my ideas are impossible. I think if there’s any common Achilles’ heel in these products and concepts, it’s the over-reliance on electric eels being domesticated and harnessed as power generators. I cannot say for sure that that is possible. I am neither a marine biologist nor an engineer. I cannot honestly confess where exactly my fixation with eels came from. Some mysteries must prevail. It’s been a weird week.

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