Naming Your Child like an Idiot
| Shakespeare famously wrote: “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” Sorry Bill, but I’ll have to agree to disagree. We’re constantly being told that first impressions count, and our name is one element that’s hard to change. Apple might be a standard choice for the daughter of celebrities, but it would raise a few eyebrows if “Apple” was the girl working the tills at Tesco. |
Expectant parents are desperate to feel unique. A few decades ago, naming a baby was simple. Parents picked traditional names, often with a family connection. But nowadays, naming your kids Mary or Bill (no offence to Marys or Bills) just doesn’t cut it. In our desperate desire to be seen as individuals, we’re experimenting with spellings, borrowing from celebrities and shunning tradition.
There’s a lot to think about when sorting through the list of potential names you could inflict upon a child. Recently I was one of the select few chosen to be a sounding board for the name of my cousin. My aunt told me they had a new favourite: Max. Everyone else on the naming committee loved it, so seeing the doubt on my face confused her. Of course, Max isn’t immediately offensive. It’s not too dull, not too eccentric. The problem is their last name. Had they not come to me they might have named their son Max Watt. As much as I love my cousin, I would have been embarrassed to tell people he is named after a powerful light bulb.
Names are important, whether we realise it or not. They can be conversation starters or fodder for playground bullies. I blame celebrities for the burst in odd names. 60 years ago, stars named their children average, everyday names. But with the current crop of celebrities, unique equals fashionable. Celebrity spawn have names running from Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee) to Zowie (David Bowie) to Moroccan (Mariah Carey). Although few of us are realistically going to take a cue from these wacky names, they have set a standard which people try to live up to.
Films, TV and literature have also played a huge part in the naming trends. Obviously I don’t mean the conservative names of classic literature. There are no Olivers here. The most popular American baby names in 2009 were Jacob and Isabella and, even though you may not want to admit it, we all know the Twilight plague is to blame for that particular trend.
Of course, changing your name sometimes gives you a new identity. Although they may have been more conservative with their baby names in the days of Old Hollywood, almost everyone changed their name when they signed to a studio, and the trend continues today. Audrey Hepburn rolls off the tongue better than Audrey Ruston; Natalie Hershlag doesn’t have the same ring to it as Natalie Portman; and Freddie Mercury has the star persona Farokh Bulsara can only dream of. Even for us little people, a good match between names can make all the difference. You may not be on track to win an Oscar or become a rock star, but if your name flows it’s always a benefit.
I’ll agree that it’s a matter of choice. When my friends and I discuss names (yes, girls do this) I often find their choices boring. But then again not everyone likes my obsession with naming my non-existent daughter after Ripley from Alien. While I don’t laugh in their faces, I mentally pity their future children and hope they change their mind.
Whether you go for the wild or the traditional, the choice is obviously yours, but just bear in mind that it’s the children who have to cope with this name, not the parents. A couple recently named their baby after the Skyrim character Dovahkiin to win free games for life from Skyrim’s creators. I’m sure the parents are happy with it, but I wonder how little Dovahkiin will feel at school when the register places him between an Isabella and a Jacob.
