From the Front Lines of the St Andrews Scene: Don’t Walk Launch Party (Or, the Secret and Exclusive Breeding Grounds of Douchebags)

31

I arrive at 9:32, sharp. It’s common knowledge in the douchey-er crowds of St Andrews that 32 minutes late is right on time, so I’m already playing my part with pizzazz. At the door, attractive girls with clipboards refuse to make eye contact with me. I’m used to this, being a Jew and such, so I slip into the Vic unnoticed and unannounced. This has its ups and downs. If security for a Dont Walk (note, please, the lack of an apostrophe) event is so scant, then what kind of people are crawling out of their social class to get in here? All kinds of vermin, is the probable answer. Another negative repercussion for sneaking into this event is that I miss my free glass of champagne. On the upside, though, I feel invisible. And to be seen by Dont Walk-ers is comparable to feeling your soul split into seven horcruxes.

Upstairs are more drinks and more girls. When I ask a security guard where the bar is, he shrugs and says, “Man, where isn’t it?” This is a statement I interpret as so deep and profound that I briefly suspect he’s some kind of voodoo shaman, or at least a minor deity of a religion I’ve not heard of.

Everyone here is just the kind of person I’d kill to sleep with, but would rather die than talk to. It’s exactly what St Andrews does best. And, to my experience, St Andrews does it better than anywhere else. We are world class in at least one department: douchebaggery.

I guess the excuse for bringing together all these beautiful and vacant people is “fashion”, so I should probably comment on that. The girls all wear dangerously steep heels and daringly short skirts. The guys are more reserved, sticking with the classic tweed and khaki, with an occasional flash of corduroy. Not a single male shows even an ankle. One stands out, however, wearing a grey t-shirt. I suspect that’s meant to be ironic. Big ups, t-shirt kid. I like you.

Drifting through rooms, I find the bar and order a Miller and hand over some amount of money and get some amount back. It tastes inexpensive, at least, so I’m reassured I wasn’t cheated.

Somehow I get a press pass and a stamp on my hand from someone. How this happens exactly is beyond me, but it does take place, and I suddenly feel an injection of purpose and importance into my Friday night. Yes, I think to myself, there is a reason I am here. I am writing an article. I represent readers. I have information they want. Yes, I do matter.

With this surge of courage, I talk to a girl, then a guy, then another, far better looking guy. But none of the effort really pays off, as I have nothing to contribute to conversations concerning thoroughbred horses or hard drugs. I’m not joking. That’s actually what they wanted to talk to me about. (I’m also not joking that I have nothing to contribute to said conversation topics).

Eventually, tipsy and jaded, I leave the party. No one smiles as I leave, so my subconscious chooses to interpret this as a communal understanding that a party without me is quite simply screwed. Maybe – ie, probably – my subconscious is wrong. But it feels good to fool myself anyway.

What did I learn from all this? What kind of information am I trying to impart to you, reader? Good questions, both. What I discovered for sure from the Dont Walk launch party is this: the University of St Andrews is a thinly disguised breeding ground for impossibly beautiful people who are all far less interesting than me. And likely you, too.

On that note, I wish you all a merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, or convivial Kwanza. Doubtless, the revelations I’ve imparted to you in this gonzo article will far surpass any other gift you receive. See you next year, Viewpoint readers!

31 COMMENTS

  1. i genuinely thought that society had evolved past the ‘beautiful and vacuous’ stereotype – how tragic!
    i’m pleased you’d at least condescend to sleep with us. and it’s okay, we don’t want to talk to you either.

  2. A foul proletarian diatribe, no less. The sooner the university kicks out all of our uglier and poorer students, the better. The last thing we need is a rabble of ugly proles weeping into their cheese & onion pasties.

    DONT WALK do invaluable work in perpetuating stereotypes, ensuring that many less pretentious school leavers choose not to come to St. Andrews.

    Take up the Fashion Show’s burden,
    And reap his old reward:
    The blame of those ye better,
    The hate of those ye guard–
    The cry of hosts ye humour

  3. This was pretty hilarious, I must say. I think its one where you laugh so you don’t cry. Your conclusion gave me deja vu of Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, which I would recommend to everybody. Quote Rigby Reardon, “The Brintwood Room…. where rich women go to meet rich men so they can have rich kids…”

  4. you use the words douche bag too frequently, which is ironic as you seem to be the biggest douche bag of all here. I’m embarrassed for you that you wrote this article.

  5. There is so much truth to your article and I love how you highlight the reality of ‘that world’ with humor and sarcasm. One of my favorite articles of the Saint. Its good someone here finally pokes fun at this ridiculous life most of us live.

  6. This article is fantastic and all the more so when held in contrast to the soapy titwank articles that normally accompany events like the Dont Walk launch party in other publications

  7. Why is it that whoever disagrees with the article is so scathing? I think the article may have overstepped the line slightly, but that isn’t to say it’s not well-written and funny. It’s good to get an alternative view than the clearly biased article on The Stand. You’ve gotta love the “horcruxes” line too- pure genius! 😀

  8. I think the scathing might stem from the fact there are bits of this article which are generally disgusting, “everyone here is just the kind of person I would kill to sleep with but would rather die than talk to.” also, as for The Stand article, I don’t see any bias. The critic isn’t from don’t walk and if you actually went to the party you would have known it really was fun. It’s a real review which this isn’t. This is just an indulgence into this person’s insecurities.

  9. some of your articles have been genuinely humorous and thoughtful, but with this one it sounds like you are trying much too hard to be controversial by relying on extremely hackneyed St Andrews Material. Move past the stereotypes, they aren’t that funny.

  10. This is probably the funniest St. Andrews article ever produced. You’d think those involved could take it for the light hearted piece it is, but apparently not…it seems they’re resolved to prove the depiction true through their reaction to it.

  11. Surely the bitter reaction some people have had to this humorous article is evidence enough that those targeted in this piece take themselves far too seriously. It’s not badly written in the slightest as the complaints would suggest. Stereotypes are of course funny when poked fun at but it seems that sadly there are those who can’t take a joke but rather decide to feign indignant offence. Pathetic

  12. All writing is an indulgence into an author’s insecurities. The difference is that some writers are smart enough to know it.

    I thought Ramsay trod the line quite well, with a flair for the vernacular and observational, but lacking a little in overall maturity.

    It *is* one of the more interesting pieces I’ve read on The Saint for a while, and I do try to keep up from time to time.

  13. Whats the controversy? We all know, that in St. Andrews, the Fashion Shows are the Horse Shit the flies circulate round Jon. Its where royalty court for heavens sake.

    Now an expose on the dirty doing of the Knitting Society – get to it!

  14. Hilarious article. Wasn’t perfect but enjoyed reading it. Captured the odd part of St Andrews rather well. Would like to read more from this writer.

  15. laughably, this article did exactly what the saint needs, gather it more attention. It also, however, represents everything that is wrong with the newspaper. In terms of the actual content, it looks like a first draft written in your somewhat drunken state. This is not a review, it is your personal feelings about a group of people that does not belong in print. You have shown yourself to be just as shallow and uninteresting as the people you blindly hate.

  16. This is one of the worst articles I have ever read. As I recall, you were standing alone in the corner of the party making absolutely zero effort to enjoy yourself. This article represents so much about what is wrong with this newspaper. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  17. To John, and everyone else – please stop reading this article. Both the Dont Walk launch party and this article are completely out of date, and no longer relevant. There are far better, and far more pertinent articles in the Viewpoint section from this last week alone. I ask that you please give those more recent articles the attention and debate they deserve, as opposed to beating/humping a dead horse.

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