How to be a Lady

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1. A lady is educated, informed and well-travelled.

It is important to show that you are a cultivated, independent, free-thinking woman. To ensure that the general public is aware, talk loudly to your peers about literature or current affairs whilst sitting in a crowded café, or, for maximum effect, the stairwell of the library. Your audience will be grateful for your act of kindness in informing them of your opinion on global warming, Hardy and how your trip to Zante was actually an enlightening journey of post-modern feminist thought.

2. A lady listens to others.

This will become an indispensible tool in gleaning exactly the content of that set text you never got round to reading. Nod encouragingly at your more studious classmate, smile thoughtfully and make monosyllabic noises of agreement. Make loud and confident generalisations about the text based on the information you have gathered: your insight is clearly still invaluable to the class.

3. A lady always makes an effort vis-à-vis her appearance.

It is what is on the inside that counts, but that does not mean you shouldn’t wax, paint, pluck, squeeze, epilate, brush, thread, stretch, tone and exfoliate on a regular basis. After all, in this manner a lady may hope to impress her sloppy male counterpart, who may or may not have remembered to tuck his shirt in.

4. A lady always accessorizes well.

It is important to choose suitable footwear for any after-dark excursions. Ideally, a heel 2-3 inches taller than practical should be worn. Emulating a newborn gazelle on ice is extremely attractive to the opposite sex, and your plaintive wails will provide an opportunity for female solidarity as you collectively limp across Market Street.

5. A lady is always respectful when talking to a gentleman.

When a gentleman makes an unseemly advance in the Bop, a lady resists the urge to put her uncomfortable footwear to good use, and instead explains, in the simplest of terms, her lack of interest in the aforementioned suitor. Failing this, a well-timed spillage of alcoholic beverages usually has the desired effect.

6. A lady tends to her partner’s needs.

Concede a little the advances of feminism. Allow him to take out the rubbish or cook for you in order to make him feel useful. Remember, his topics of conversation are probably less interesting than yours, so save him the embarrassment of recounting a boring tale by filling any silence with your Educated and Informed thoughts. Do not confuse him by displaying any sort of emotional complexity – remember- men do not like to be troubled with such tiresome things. Breaking down in tears when he calls 3.5 minutes late, or flying into a rage when he so much as moves to lift Call of Duty from the case, lets him know how you feel, and as such the gesture will be appreciated.

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