I was hot on the St Andrews dinner party circuit the other night when a close friend of mine, one Reginald Sirius Brackwell II, brought my attention to a particularly interesting BBC News video titled “St Andrews Matchmaking Record.” Perhaps you’ve seen it.
The video, which utilizes both a level of cinematography and script of the utmost professionalism, follows students at this university to a dinner party, presumably in a cheap home on the Scores, or in St Salvator’s Hall.
Here, viewers encounter some of this school’s most tweed-decked and corduroy-ed students, seated comfortably in a humble home at a humble table eating humble smoked salmon, risotto, and sticky toffee pudding. It is all quite humble, and I must confess my personal standards for a St Andrews dinner party are far higher. I expect penguin butlers and prostitutes.
Daniela Relph, one of the BBC’s Royal Correspondents, admittedly stirred my loins when she claimed in the voice-over, “It seems students here just can’t stop themselves from marrying one another.”
My arousal, of course, became exceedingly awkward, due to the notorious homophobia of Reginald Sirius Brackwell II.
The video then continues to chase students about St Salvador’s Quad, zooming in on any male student walking too close to a female student. We are meant to assume these are not only couples, but pending marriages.
This is nothing short of preposterous. I did not come to this university to acquire a reputation as a forthcoming husband. I came to St Andrews to study pretentious subjects that would improve my conversations at dinner parties. Finding a wife would keep me from going to these dinner parties. What Daniela Relph, BBC Royal Correspondent, has presented is completely counterintuitive to my aims.
Everyone knows that dinner parties are the be-all and end-all, and if you can’t attend one, you might as well not have been invited, and should subsequently resign yourself from appearing in public. And maybe even just die.
If you are in a relationship right now, you are part of the problem. This is especially true if you’ve been in a relationship for more than two years.
If this is the case, you are the reason that I will constantly be harassed at dinner parties with such quips as, “Hey Ramsay, find a wife yet?” or “Will you be a stay at home dad?” or “I heard you respect women!”
If you have been in a relationship for more than two years, I hate you. Not because of jealousy for your found love, or because I scorn the idea of a couple being happy.
I hate you because you have encouraged a stereotype of this university as a matchmaking utopia.
My solution to this stereotype is simple. Cheat. Have an affair. Have sex with someone you’ve never had sex with, or someone you just haven’t had sex with in a while. Just do it. You’ll be saving your school from the dregs of Daniela Relph and her insistence on presenting our school as anything but academic. And you’ll be having sex. This should not be a hard thing to sell.
I want to show the BBC that St Andrews isn’t just a place that hooks up princes and princesses. I want to present the truth about this school. We’re just like any other university. We’re a bunch of 20-somethings who screw each other randomly, and don’t think about the bank accounts of the people with their tongues in our mouths.
We don’t actually have a “dinner party circuit.” That’s a myth. People have dinner parties, it’s true. But to call it a ‘circuit’ is comical.
Who’s winning? That’s what I want to ask Daniela Relph, and her Royal-phile cronies. If there is a St Andrews dinner party circuit, who is currently in the lead? And what place am I in? But I digress.
This is a great school, but our reputation is being stripped away. It has nothing to do with the Royal couple, and their pending marriage. I couldn’t be more proud or happy for them.
The people at fault for the loss of St Andrews’ academic reputation are those students who refuse to cheat on each other, and the Daniela Relph’s of this world who choose to interpret that as eternal monogamy.
Please have more sex with more people. Please break this stereotype of our school as a matchmaking university. Please cheat.