Please forgive me

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J.H. Ramsay offers these words in response to a very upset reader, who wrote in regarding Ramsay’s article titled “A word from our sponsors”.

Dear everyone,

I’m sorry for all of the things I’ve done to all of you. I feel a terrible weight of guilt for my crimes, for all the injustice I’ve wrought on the world. Time and time again, I’ve been given the chance to be a good person, to make people happy, to improve the quality of life within a 30 foot radius of me. And I’ve failed more times than I should have.

I’m sorry to Greg Bernaro, my best friend from 4th grade, for not choosing you first to be on my kickball team. You weren’t the most skilled player on the field, and that’s why I picked Andrew Hamilton before you. He was the best chance I had for victory. But I’ve always regretted that. We were friends. You should have come first, Greg. It wasn’t worth the kickball win.

I’m sorry to Katherine Murphy, who I almost dated but mostly just hooked up with in high school. I was rude, sarcastic, and took you for granted. I should have taken you out to dinner more. I should have tried to make you laugh more. I shouldn’t have called your retarded cat retarded. That was uncalled for. You were, and are, great and beautiful, Katherine.

I’m sorry to Trevor Wallace, one of my closest friends in St Andrews. I’ve always encouraged you to take up any vice that you came across. I was convinced it would make you a happier person. But now you’ve grown a huge ugly beard, smoke a thousand cigarettes a day, get drunk regularly, and spout incomprehensible existential philosophy at almost any prompting. I can’t help but feel a little responsible for getting you into the gutter you’re in. Despite your incorruptible theism, you’re a great guy, and you deserve a friend who cares about you. Sorry, Trevs. I’m going to try harder from now on.

Finally, I’m sorry to Ben Adams. Last week I wrote an offensive article concerning the inherent rights of all people. Ben was kind enough to politely respond to my opinions in a respectful and compassionate fashion (you can view my article at http://www.thesaint-online.com/2011/02/a-message-from-our-sponsors/ and view Ben’s response on the Editorial page in the latest issue). Ben helped me understand where my argument went wrong, and guided me out my uninformed state to a more enlightened position. He used concrete, real world examples, and successfully moved me to a higher level of awareness.

Ben, there are so many things I want to do to you. I want to build a time machine and take you back to my elementary school. I want you standing behind my 8 year old self as he chooses his players for the kickball team. As soon as I say the words “Andrew Hamilton”, you could throw a hedgehog at me and tell me to choose Greg, my best friend, first.

I want to take you back with me to high school. You can come on my date, and help me make Katherine laugh. As we’re awkwardly hooking up later, after a movie, you can stop me from making a joke of poor taste concerning her cat, Indy, who has a brain tumour that makes him twitch violently. Ben, you’ll save me so much drama.

And finally, Ben, you can help my friend Trevor stop smoking, and drinking, and growing a terrible beard. You can take him with you to English, or Philosophy, or International Relations, and help him figure everything out. He needs you. I need you. We all need you, Ben.

In conclusion, I hope you can all forgive me. I hope all the wrong I’ve done, all the pain I’ve dealt out, the injustice and unfairness I’ve promoted, can be redeemed. I want a second chance. I want to try again. Greg, Katherine, Trevor, Ben, I hope you can all find it within yourselves to accept my sincerest apologies. I’m not a perfect guy. But I want to be. And with your help, Ben, I’ll get there.

May God bless you all.

J.H. Ramsay

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